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Libertine

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(no subject) [Apr. 26th, 2007|03:54 pm]
Libertine
this is me whining.
i feel like my brain has been taken over by someone else. or rather like i am fighting with someone else to keep myself from sliding back to where i was a year ago. two years ago. three years ago.

current events have left me looking back over the past year and a half and thinking, "what a fucking waste of time." i have actually started to grow fond and nostalgic over my time spent in san francisco and berkeley and you know things have to be bad if those times are being remembered as bright and shiny. i just think that i really really fucked up. somewhere along the line, i lost everything and all that i stood for or believed in. and in trying to get it back, i find myself digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. it sounds melodramatic, but there are times when i feel like i can sense my heart sinking down to my stomach. i have so much pent up anger and hatred and just general depression that i'm scared of the day when i just fucking lose it and stop being able to make myself smile.

i have changed dramatically in such a short amount of time that it's hard to be comfortable in my new skin, especially when the person that i spend time with is holding a vision of how i used to be and acting accordingly. he hasn't changed and it's hard for me to recognize that he never will. he will always treat me and see me how he did a year ago and i will always be furious for that because that's not who i am now.

i wish i wasn't so much "in my head" so that i could go out and make friends and meet people and have some fucking fun. but i don't like going out alone and so i sit at home by myself and never meet anybody and the whole cycle goes again and again and again and the only person there is ben. which isn't fair because he goes out and meets people and is doing god knows what. and he thinks that i'm completely oblivious. it's not that i am, i just don't want to admit that he's still the person he always was because that's the person who hurts me. constantly. but for some reason--and perhaps rightly so, seeing as i don't even need a full hand to count the number of friends that i have and need even less to count the number i see on any kind of basis--it feels like he's all i have.

i need a change. i need something or someone to get me out of this fucking mess i've made for myself.



"please don't confront me with my failures/ i have not forgotten them."
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(no subject) [Jan. 7th, 2007|09:40 pm]
Libertine
Smile


When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what'd ya do that for
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just could help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile



At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile


hmmm...i think i feel a mixtape session coming on.
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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2006|11:30 am]
Libertine
[Current Location |whole foods]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |a-team theme music...sweet]

so, wow, i haven't posted in a really long time and i don't really have the time to now...but i swear i will later.

just know things are crazy as always, but i'm doing alright. i have my bear back and we're living in an apartment in echo park...kinda ghetto but totally sweeeeet.

anyway, i should go. i'm on lunch at work.

x.l'
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2006|10:09 am]
Libertine
so i'm waiting for jim....in about half an hour, we're leaving good ol' los angeles and heading up to san francisco to go see RADIOHEAD!!!!!!! and after that, we'll be enjoying the gay pride festivities. sweeeet. generally i would feel bad about going without ben but after the shit he's pulled on me lately, i couldn't care less. so i jumped at the opportunity and gladly handed out my $50. we're seeing them on tuesday too in san diego. nice.

i'm stoked to be going back to my former city of residence. haven't been in, like, a year or something ridiculous like that. i just wish i could stay longer. but no. the whole foods whip is making sure that i return for my shift tomorrow at 4. lame.

as for my last entry, i was very very drunk and i have an evil evil boyfriend. good news is my hand isn't really broken, just really fucked up. the next day i decided against going to the emergency room because i figured that if i could move my pinkie finger, it really couldn't be a fracture. it swelled up to like 3 times its size and was black and blue, but today it looks better. still hurts like a bitch, but the swelling went away and now the bruises have faded so that it just looks like my hand is dirty. nice.

to make myself feel better, i went out and spent too much money on cute underwear and a few tank tops. heh...i've never been the kind of person who went shopping to cheer themselves up until about this time last year. i hope it doesn't stick. i don't have that kind of money. heh.




well, it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down so peace out.

x.l'
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2006|12:04 am]
Libertine
so this i going to take a long tim eto type because i think i broke my hand tonight...

ouch.

anyway. ben's been an asshole and for the first time in almost a year, i've started missing allie. i know. weird. cos he's a douchebag too, but over the past few days all the shit he pulled seems miniscule...

gotta go....

big brother is out and about....
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2006|10:53 am]
Libertine
some needle-dicked piece of shit stole the cd player out of my car. i'm going to post signs up and down the street that read:

TO THE CHICKEN SHIT WHO BROKE INTO MY CAR:

IT'S PROBABLY NAIVE OF ME TO WRITE THIS, SEEING AS YOU'RE PROBABLY SOME ILLITERATE ASSHOLE WHO WON'T BE ABLE TO READ IT ANYWAY, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DID WAS RIDICULOUS. CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU GOT A CAR STEREO PART (NOT EVEN THE WHOLE THING) THAT IS SO OLD THAT IT WILL BE INCOMPATIBLE WITH ANY OTHER SYSTEM AND HAS CDS IN IT THAT YOU CAN'T SELL BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE CASES. AND I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE THEM. PATHETIC THIEVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY REALLY DIG CAT POWER, RIGHT??

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, I WILL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF MYSELF, YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

XO--THE REALLY PISSED OFF GIRL WHO'S SICK OF YOU RUMMAGING THROUGH HER FUCKING CAR.





that is all.
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2006|06:38 pm]
Libertine
so, it looks like i've pretty much got the job at whole foods in the hippy-dippy department: "whole body." i had an interview on wednesday and got a call back for a second interview on monday. the girl said that it's to meet the other "team leaders," but she also told me to bring my ID and social security card, which implies that i'll be filling out new hire paperwork. and it went from being part time to full time, which is awesome. so, yeah...it's on 3rd and fairfax, which is right by ben's work. i'm going to be pushing herb shampoo, deodorant crystals, and organic vitamins. not to mention nail polish and lipsticks that are animal-safe.

um, yeah.

i'm stoked though. it's a great company to work for and they're going to pay me as much as i get at remax. without the boredom. or the commute.

oh, and schoooool's out for summer.

sweet.
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"at what point did you grow those horns on your forehead, my love?" [May. 21st, 2006|11:10 am]
Libertine
i think if anyone ever put this song on a mixtape for me, i would pledge allegiance to them and love them forever.

it's lame, i know, but it's one of my guilty pleasures and also one of my favorites, so shut up:



People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one
We've just begun, I think I'm gonna have a son
He will be like you and me, free as a dove
Conceived in love, the sun is gonna shine above

Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

Love a girl who holds the world in a paper cup
Drink it up, love her and she'll bring you luck
If ya find she helps your mind, better take her home
Oh dontcha live alone, try to earn what lovers own

Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right

Even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything will bring a chain of love
In the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2006|11:24 am]
Libertine
what's up, sportfans...

i've got two weeks left of school and six exams that are going to be crammed into four days. great fun.

i'm putting my two-weeks notice in at remax cos i can't take it anymore.

i went to this place called 'pirates' in buena park. it's like medieval times but with, um, pirates. it was for dija's birthday. it was okay...i don't know that it was necessarily worth the $50 that i don't have that it cost, but it was good to see everyone anyway.

kung fu hustle has become a permanent staple at the house. since me and the bean are both broke, we spend our time watching that and drinking $2 40's.

he's addicted again. it's aggravating.

my doctor gave my these anti-anxiety pills that knock my ass out and are amazing.

i also found out about my "health thing." looks like i have high potassium which means either one or both of my kidneys isn't working which causes that whole deal that i've had for years. goodie. but that's just the assumption right now...i'm hoping it's not correct because i don't want surgery and i couldn't pay for it even if i needed it.

i love being broke.

i need to go.

i'm losing precious study time.
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(no subject) [Apr. 24th, 2006|01:06 pm]
Libertine
i'm not in the mood to divulge.



1. Do you still talk to your first boyfriend/girlfriend:
i never know who to count as my first boyfriend...the one i first said was but was actually afraid of, the first one i kissed, the first one i slept with? let's just go with the first one kissed...nate. and i talk to him randomly. not often at all. which is fine with me.

2. What should you be doing right now:
homework. i have a math test tomorrow and i haven't the foggiest notion of what we're doing cos i haven't gone in over a month.

3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
wilson phillips, paula abdul, elton john, aretha franklin, etc.

4. What was the best thing about your day today?
my beanie will be here when i get off work!

5.Do you enjoy Texas hold 'em
not especially. i suck at poker.

6. Are you against same sex marriage?
nope. if gay people want to be as miserable as straight people, they should definitely be allowed.

..7 is missing

8. Have you ever kissed someone you don't like?
yup.

9. Quote an N'Sync song lyric:
bye bye bye...

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
i never see my friends any more. pffft. but, um, most of them are old friends (well, when i say 'most' i mean all three) and the other two are newish.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
yeah. what can i say, those swedes make some rad stuff.

12. Do you like your parents?
i like my mom most of the time. when she isn't playing mommy-monster.

13?

14. What state/country are you from?
kentucky. holla.

15. Tell us about the last conversation you had?
it was with my bean and i told him that i loved him and missed him and hoped his tummy felt better.

16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
one month? that's a good question that i can't quite answer...

17. What is your favorite smell?
beanie.

WHO ERASED ..18

19. Do you consider yourself a clean person?
clean as in sanitary, yes. clean as in neat, no.

20. What is the time and the outside temperature at the moment?
it's 1:16pm and it looks like it's gotten colder since i got here. lame.

21. What are you doing tomorrow?
going to school and failing my math test. boo.

22 is missing :(

23. Have you ever Played Spin the Bottle?
yup. i don't suggest doing it if you're not single. it never ends well.

24. Have you ever Toilet Papered someone's house?
we used to t.p. the same girls house every weekend in high school. heh.

25. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
of course.

*umm someone forgot 26*

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's or sisters friend?
no.

28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
no and it sounds repulsive.

29. Have you ever drank jack daniels?
of course.

30. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
yes, and i don't recommend it. unless you like having sand chafing your bits and pieces.

31. Have you ever had a stalker?
a few...all creepy.

32. Have you ever been in love?
yes. currently.

33. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
yup.

34. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
yeah...i do it a lot. especially last night. cos DAVID SEDARIS IS MY FAVORITE.


35. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one?
no, i'm the one that embarrasses my sober friends.

36. Have you ever been cheated on?
sadly, yes.

37. Have you ever met one of your myspace friends?
of course.

38. Have you ever felt betrayed by your 'best friend'?
more times than i'd like to recount.

39. Have you ever felt like you were just completely rhino raped?
and what exactly does that mean??

40. Have you ever lied to your parents?
my mother and i have a relationship based on an intricate web of lies.

41. Have you ever been out of the US?
mexico. but that's not much different than just staying in southern california.

42. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
no, can't say i have.

43. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month?
no...but i should've. i've had some gnarly haircuts.

44. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day?
yeah. i survive off of fast food.

45. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't remember what was going on?
every time.

46. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
depends on your definition of spying.

47. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
i saw him naked this morning. and i smacked his butt cos i think it's cute that it's getting bigger. heh.
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